I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
