i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
