Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
