i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
