Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
