just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
