Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
