Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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