new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
