Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
