Duck Duck Cougar?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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