I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The Olympian is in my bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
