I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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