I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
