But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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