K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
