the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
