the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
