the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
