I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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