If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
