U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
