i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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