i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize