Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
