You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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