my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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