people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
