yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
