hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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