my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize