youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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