my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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