Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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