i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
