11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
