apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
