My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
