I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
