i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
