I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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