theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
