Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think my moral compass just broke
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
