do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she peed on how many people?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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