Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
