I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize