Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
