So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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