Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
