dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
