I could make wine with my vomit
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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