The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
