My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
