its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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