i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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