you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
