My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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