I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i came on her dog
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just invented taco cereal.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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