My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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